Using The Hard Moments to Coach & Connect With Your Child
I was in a work meeting with my entire team when all of us heard my son scream “go away” at the top of his lungs. My heart raced and my anxiety peaked as I wound up my call over the next 10 mins and ran towards the noise. Our 3-year old was standing by the door in his room with my husband kneeling down beside him, at his eye level. My husband was requesting our son to calm down and use his words while waving his finger at him.
As I appeared behind my husband, our son looked up and stared at me while expecting a look of disapproval: “keep it down” or “what’s the matter?” or “you guys, I was on a call”. Instead, I leapt towards him, scooped him up in my arms, hugged him very tight and kissed him on his forehead. He responded by burying himself in my chest, squeezing me very tight and letting out a soft cry.
I sat cuddled up with him on the couch for a few mins without saying a word. Then as I kissed him again, he hugged me even more tightly and whispered with a sob “I love you mama”. I replied, “I love you very much honey, and its hard for me to see you cry.” He continued sobbing, “Daddy asked me to nap. I wanted to play with you but you were talking to work friends.” I squeezed his hands, hugged him close and whispered, “I’m sorry! It has been so hard for you”. He whispered back, “I am sorry mama. I love you very much and will never scream again”.
My husband was in disbelief about my son’s sudden change of temperament from defiance to asking for forgiveness. While it is easy to fall back on ‘he just needed mommy’ as the reason for why children at times behave differently with a parent or caregiver, we later reflected on our respective approaches to dealing with this incident:
Believing in the child
My husband approached the situation from the perspective of ‘disciplining the child’ while believing that our son’s behavior was uncalled for and needs to be discouraged or even corrected. Although he was very patient and calm, he strongly disapproved of his reaction.
In contrast to this, my approach was believing that our son is a responsible toddler, who wouldn’t scream without a legit cause, with the awareness that his prefrontal cortex (part of the brain that processes feelings) is still developing, so he needs help processing his ‘big feelings’ and communicating them. I also refrained from overwhelming him with any questions about what caused him to get upset while he was trying hard to interpret and express his own emotions.
Empathy for the child:
Children’s life is very hard even when we think that they’re living their best life. My husband’s perspective — no school, more screen time, favorite lunch, lunch time in yard with mom and dad (while reading a book picked out by him), new toy from Amazon every day (almost).. definitely getting spoiled. Now, my son’s perspective — mommy & daddy show the door at 8am with a ‘sorry kid, gotta work’. Sneaks into mommy’s makeshift office a few times but she’s too busy. Asks daddy to play but gets snubbed again. Wakes up from the nap, walks towards mommy’s door but she’s on again on a call. Goes to his room and cries. Daddy walks in and tells him that nap time isn’t over kid, so need to take his ass back to bed. Boom, the tantrum!
Unconditional acceptance:
While we’re all seeking to get accepted for who we are, this is especially true for children. When they feel “truly accepted” (without any judgement), they feel secure and let go of their ‘fight or flight’ instinct. This helps them channel their energies on learning new skills vs. seeking approval.
When I loved my son despite him screaming (unlike my husband who strongly disapproved of his behavior), I signaled “I love you with your faults (and your big feelings that you are having trouble comprehending)” and he found relief and felt secure by it.
Future implications for this can arise if he digresses from the right path. I’m thinking the worst here, say drugs. It is so necessary for him to believe that his parents wouldn’t judge or punish him, but instead accept him and help him make amends.
Emotion coach for the future:
Parenting isn’t about raising a child who meets our definition of “well-behaved” today. It is about raising a child, who would be ready to take on the world. I like Dr Markham’s “don’t control them, coach them” philosophy. When I reflect on the emotional foundation that I want to provide my son, the word ‘even-keeled’ (defined as ‘mentally or emotionally stable’) resonates with me.
My mom’s reaction to my disobedience was often a harsh yelling, so it was natural for me to mimic and imbibe it in my early life. When parents yell back at their kids, they ‘normalize’ yelling for the kids. In other words, parents can send a strong signal that yelling is ok and even grown-ups do it — which is dangerous.
In my own case, it was only after I became a mom that I became more mindful of how I would like my son to respond to criticisms and failures. As a result, I decided to role model patience, empathy, forgiveness and acceptance, and emotion coaching is the foundation for these values.
After five minutes, my son jumped down from my lap and announced “Mama, I feel better now. I’m happy and I want to play”. As I admired him play, I reflected on how we’ve had another round of practice at processing big feelings, understanding our children, and feeling connected with parents. Who knew a wild tantrum could be such an important lesson!
