Emotion Coaching: Building the Foundation for the Future
I heard a scream in the bathroom and sprinted towards it. When I opened the door, my husband was screaming while asking our 3-year old not to scream. Notice the irony — a screaming adult asking a toddler not to scream. Unfortunately, this is way more common than we think with not just parents but also teachers in schools not keeping their calm while asking 2–3–4–5 year olds to calm down. The problem with this approach is that not only are we NOT role-modeling the right behavior, but also NOT doing our job as a parent to emotion coach our children.
My husband explained that our son was screaming while splashing water and refusing to take a bath. While I love my husband and could see how our toddler had pushed his buttons, I wasn’t ready to let go of this opportunity to emotion coach our son. So I decided to not support my husband’s reaction and instead told him that screaming is never okay and he had broken our family rule “using words, not scream” to express displeasure, therefore he should apologize to both me and our son. When he resisted on the premise that it was our son who screamed the first, I reminded him that he’s not a 3-year old, so there really are no excuses for his behavior.
While I stared into my husband’s eyes, waiting for an apology, something very unexpected happened. Our son started taking deep breaths and counting until 5 on his own accord, then he announced that he was now calm and apologized to his dad and me for screaming. Notice, I hadn’t even uttered a word to him. I did clarify that screaming wasn’t an acceptable behavior — to his dad — which made him realize that he didn’t do the right thing and was sorry. My husband soon followed up with an apology too. Finally, we had the chance to ask our son the reason for being upset in “words, not scream” to which he replied that he was uncomfortable and had to poop before the bath. Bingo! And so we knew how to resolve the conflict. In that moment, we solidified our commitment to our family rule of “using words, not scream” while emotion coaching our son for the rest of his life.
What is emotion coaching? Emotion coaching is teaching our children how to control their emotions and regulate their behavior. Controlling the emotions is a skill that’s learned with time and coaching. The prefrontal cortex of the brain, responsible for regulating feelings, is still developing for toddlers, so they need help interpreting and conquering their big feelings. Parents play a very important role in helping them during this phase as they learn this skill for life.
I would even argue that this is the best thing you can teach your child. because a calm and clear mind makes for a great foundation for living a healthy and balanced life. Helping them make sense and overcome their big feelings isn’t always easy and parents can use hard moments to connect and coach their children. Of-course this starts with us regulating our emotions first, which can be hard if our parents didn’t role model this behavior or mindfully invest in it, followed by acknowledging our children’s feelings and providing them an unconditional emotional support. I really believe that there’s “no bad kid” and children merely reflect what we project on them knowingly or unknowingly.
