Are we role modeling growth mindset for our children?
When our son is intimidated by something, we’re very quick to snap “don’t give up without trying… you can’t do it YET but you’ll be able to, if you keep at it”. However, ironically, every so often we find our own selves holding back and NOT role modeling this behavior that we expect from a 4-year old.
Recently at a playdate, after my son climbed a rock structure, he was ecstatically exclaimed — “Daddy, the view is great from here. Climb up!”.
My husband replied “I can’t.”
My son asked: “How do you know when you haven’t even tried?”
My husband repeated: “I know I can’t.”
My son asked again: “But how do you know? You can do it, daddy! Don’t give up without trying.”
To encourage my husband further, his 4-year old friend screamed from the top: “Just believe in yourself! Look in your heart and you’ll find the courage.”
Despite the encouragement (and such profound wisdom from two 4-year olds), my husband decided NOT to try. However, on our way back, he shared with me how he regretted not role modeling the very behavior that we expect from him. So, we decided to speak with our son about it.
At our next “family meeting” the same night, our son shared his disappointment with his dad about giving up without trying. So, my husband asked if he could make amends by going back and trying. And we did just that this past weekend!
Here’s a picture of my husband hanging with him on the top.
I wasn’t spared either, and had to slither on my belly after the last step to make it to the top. [This is where I would make a joke about my body weight but I’m wary of role modeling body shaming for my son. He picks up on it and talks about his own body the same way, recently asking me if he has a ‘big tummy’, a term I had used for myself].
Worse, I had a very hard time getting down, bringing back the dreadful memories of me stuck in my parents’ house attic because while I loved climbing there, I could never figure out how to get down from there.
At the end, what made it worth it was our son telling us that he “really appreciated” us trying and climbing the structure.
This strengthened our belief how smart these little people are, and how they notice, internalize and appreciate things that we do or don’t do!
Following this, we made a list of our common pitfalls that hinder our growth mindset:
- Stereotyping ourselves as “good” or “bad” at things, e.g. I’m not good at cooking [or cooking X].
- Unwilling to try new things (e.g. a hard ride on Peloton) due to (a) pre-conceived notion around current skill level or (b) fear of failure.
The above two are the opposite of the mindset ‘can’t do it yet’ but gotta keep trying to get better.
3. Judging [the outcome of] our effort and those around us, e.g. “my presentation was blah. I’m bummed!” instead of “oh well, I did my best and it wasn’t bad! I’ll work on [X] to deliver better next time.”
4. Labeling ourselves and those around us, e.g. “how could I forget to get milk! I’m so absent-minded!” instead of problem-solving “ugh, I forgot the milk again. I know how to fix it — always bring a grocery list”.
5. Encouraging Avi to raise his hand and ask his question but not willing to ask it on his behalf (kids questions can be silly!), e.g. “why don’t you ask yourself where the lizard poops?”. Or hesitating when we have a question ourselves, e.g. if we’re lost in a mall “let me just figure out where we are” instead of asking for help.
We’ll be adding more to this list, as we reflect on our actions as parents everyday! What are your common pitfalls?
